Of changes and sacrifices

This past month has been really busy getting prepared for the big move. We ordered 17 large boxes from the shipping company and ended up only using 13, with the additional 4 huge bicycle boxes and one for the flat screen TV. The house was in a total chaos then, and with a tight deadline we really had to plod along. The removers came on a Sunday morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed, and despite being vertically challenged, the two scrawny men managed to empty our flat within minutes.It felt really wierd bidding farewell to our belongings, knowing that despite departing 2 weeks before us, we will still arrive sooner and will be waiting anxiously for their safe arrival for the next 8 weeks.

We had ample time to sell all the things that were not worth the extra cost to bring them back but being complacent, on the last day we had to leave behind for the new tenant’s benefit two bookcases, an old television, a phone stand and a shoerack. The rest of the little things that we wanted to donate to charity, was sent promptly the day before departure and to our dismay, the ‘shop’ that we went to only accepted clothes, but offered to throw away all the other things that we had to offer. This included a couple of handbags that were in excellent condition, a lamp shade, a standing oscillating fan, etc. I was so annoyed but with no other choice and the time constraint, we just had to abandon the items there.

Wasteful.

* * *

It was all mixed emotions on the last day in the country. We were still yet to sell the car, but a friend had kindly offered to baby sit it until there were any interests. It was a lovely and sunny day, which made parting from  La La Land even more difficult. I sent personal text messages to all the people that I know and were close to, knowing that with time, we would probably grow apart and that probably we will never see each other again.

I was also bidding farewell to my lifestyle, my freedom and my total independence. Having left home since I was 13 and lived abroad for many many years, I had gotten used to living life on the edge. Not that I do anything particularly interesting. But the ability to dictate whether I want to eat or not, what I want to eat, when I want to sleep/ part from slumberland, who I want to meet/do I want to meet anyone today, leaving/coming home at anytime that I please, loud inpromptu love making in the living room and of course, walking around bra-less/naked in the house – are all small luxuries that one would only learn to appreciate when the decision power and PRIVACY are no longer at hand.

You see, a few years ago I got married and had built a life in the foreign land that feels more like home now. Therefore returning to motherland with nothing more than our suitcases (and the 18 boxes that will follow suit) filled mostly with gifts for our large families respectively, we of course did not have our ‘own home’ to go to and therefore have to go back to living under parent’s roof. For my case, it was my in-laws.

Having only spent maximum 3 days with them after the first few days of marriage, I did not get the chance to get to know them all that well, and so even after years of marital somewhat bliss, being around my in laws still feels very awkward. It doesn’t help that a few incidents had occured:

(mainly because of me being emotional and feeling sufficated and wanting to break free, and this side of my hubby which I never knew – the one that discusses these things with his MOTHER, which led her to saying out loud that I’m probably not good enough for her golden child whom for the 5 years  that I knew him always felt abandoned and unloved by his family, and she made the mistake saying that infront of my OWN mother, who is a divorcee and therefore does not take CRAP from people or let them speak such way about her children, which then led to this big confrontation, of my mum threatening to assault his mom)…

and me naturally a closed person, it would probably take months for me to feel comfortable around them and act my ‘normal’ self.. Although I have a feeling if I do act my usual tantrum filled bipolar self I would eventually BE deemed not good enough and therefore kicked out of the house.

Anyway with good intentions and generosity which I am very much grateful for, they had made the guest room bigger and more spacious, so that we CAN retain some privacy should we wish to do as we please.

***

The biggest change so far has been our eating habits. The husband and I are big eaters and we both love to cook. Hence why we sway slightly on the ‘heavier than we should be’ size.  Our families members on the other hand, are all petite and are very conscious of their daily intake. Wanting to ‘fit in’, we succumb to their eating portion and are left with rumbling stomachs for the rest of the day. This probably I don’t mind all that much because I do feel larger than life at the moment, but again there are times, especially right now when I am all emotional and PMSing, I would like the option to raid through the cupboard for a piece of comfort food.

The other big thing is me losing my total independence. It’s only been 5 days but still I feel like slitting my throat at times. I don’t have a car of my own. The hubster has a lovely car, inherited from his late father (may he rest in peace, he was indeed a really good and extrodinary man) which he has been driving around since our arrival. He tells me that I can drive the car, or any of the cars at home for that matter should I wish too, but me still feeling awkward and not yet at that level in the family relationship to just grab and demand usage of a car over his siblings, chose not to. Which means I now rely heavily on my husband (which I really hate, I have always prided myself as a strong woman and have my own set of friends) and feels trapped and sufficated. Gone is my freedom.

My husband does not understand this and always gets angry whenever I say I feel like leaving this marriage because I feel restricted. Fair enough I shouldn’t say these things out loud ( so far I have threatened to leave countable with only with one hand, which is more than the number of years we have been married! ), but whenever I announced this I was either PMSing really bad or had slipped back into depression. True he has never restricted whatever I wish to do, but.as a married woman, I have my obligations.

For instance. The H moved across the country to be with me just so that I would feel comfortable working with people I know. I therefore had more social commitments than he does, and at times I can’t drag him to all the events as some of them are just girly dates. He would then just be sitting at home, doing his own thing (which is videogames) and I would feel bad that I’m enjoying myself and therefore would either a. decline the rendez-vous b. return early. He never says that I should NOT go, but having known him many years before we were married, I pick up hints.

The other thing is, in my culture, the guy’s family will always trump the girl’s. Say for instance, if we were to be at my mom’s for a family dinner and ended up staying over because it was late, should his mom call us to come home for breakfast, we would then have to bid adieu early in the morning and off we go.
Readjustment.
That is all there is to it.

As long as I have a private place to let out my frustrations I think I will survive. MUST never cry. Bottling up IS the in thing.

But then I do have a journal.

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